Personal Transformations & Career Pivots

Personal statement about why I am permanently retired from my Tantric Bodywork practice

I have been thinking about everything I wanted to share with my Tantric bodywork clients, and why I have decided to follow my heart and transform my career, and thus - permanently retire from providing Tantric bodywork sessions.

This has not been an easy decision - in fact, it would probably be the most difficult decision I’ve ever made in my life. I have spent the last several years mulling over this decision, and really trying to dowse into the right path for the future of my life.

Like with any job or career path, there are pros & cons for every job or career path out there. But at the end of the day, I think every one of us has to confront the disillusionment of feeling burnt out.

There have been significant periods in the past in which I felt absolutely ON FIRE to provide tantric bodywork. There were phases in the past in which my body & my spirit and energy was absolutely aligned to do this work. I believe that I was spiritually called to do this work, and it has been an essential facet of my soul journey in this lifetime. I’ve been blessed to have so many incredible experiences in the past, and innumerable electrifying interactions that were beautiful to witness. I love witnessing people have ecstatic experiences.

A huge part of the joy of having this job has been getting to watch people walk in the door feeling resistant or guarded or stressed out or disconnected or overcome with guilt & shame, and then to witness the transformation as their eyes glowed as they walked out of my treatment room - as if they had suddenly come back to life, and were completely rejuvenated, and their spirit was alive again. Seeing people’s eyes glow and glide out as if they were walking on a cloud has always brought my heart happiness and made me feel like I’m contributing something meaningful to people’s lives. And honestly, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.

But something shifted for me over the last two years or so, and I began to see the writing on the wall - that it was time for me to retire and build a new career for myself for the next chapter of my life. Part of it was being in my mid 40s, and realizing that I was going to be 50 in half a decade, and I wanted to envision a different life for myself when I hit 50. And part of it was going through an absolutely devastating breakup with my ex several years ago, and it made me realize that I wanted to shift out of doing this work so that I could be more fully energetically available for a long term relationship. I didn’t want my job to be an obstacle to me having a secure relationship.

But there was something even deeper than that going on within myself that I can’t fully put into words, and it happened even whilst I was having magical interactions with my amazing clients; I felt like I was no longer congruent internally. And I knew in my heart that I had changed. The dissonance within myself was slowly becoming more and more apparent.

I accidentally stumbled into the world of erotic bodywork when I was young, financially desperate and in my early 20s - and I was a very different person then. I have changed and evolved so much over the last 20 years, that who I had become now was no longer compatible with this work that I had gotten into when I was young, immature and unstable. My value systems have changed, and my lifestyle has changed, my relationship to work and consistency and discipline has changed. My relationship to money has changed. I’m a different person now.

I could see that I had become trapped in this role that had been created when I was young, immature, reckless, far more narcissistic and unstable, and that I was no longer congruent with this role. It was beginning to feel like I was shedding a snakeskin. It was feeling like the role I had taken on was no longer in alignment with my inner self, and there were many tears and moments in which I felt tormented by feeling stuck and trapped. I wanted to get out. I wanted to make myself un-stuck.

So I have spent the last almost 2 years strategically preparing myself for my exit strategy. I saved up money. I paid off my car. I paid down my credit cards. Put myself into the system. Jumped through the project of getting licensed, so that I would have credentials and be able to have a different career. Everything has been in service of preparing me for this moment, in which I could walk out of this career path from a foundation of security.

One of the things I have experienced over the last few months as I build my foundation of a new career path going forward, and shedding the snakeskin of tantric bodywork and allowing it to fall away, is getting to experience an incredible surge of peace internally and feeling free. It feels so good to know that I did it. I am truly proud of myself. There have been moments in which I was afraid that I would never be able to make it happen. I was scared that I would be stuck in this job until I was an old lady, and I didn’t want that for my life.

And it has been a terrifying decision to make, especially at this time in our civilization with all of the political and economic instability unfurling. My income has fallen off of a cliff, and I am trusting that it’s all going to work out. And yes - I am scared. I don’t have anyone to catch me. I don’t come from wealthy parents. I don’t have a partner or a boyfriend or a husband. I’ve had to provide for myself since I was 20. I’ve had to be completely self-reliant and trust in my abilities and the skillsets that I’ve cultivated to know that I can be safe and secure. I don’t have parents or a partner who is going to be there for me, to catch me if and when I fall. It’s scary. I have had to confront an absolutely INCREDIBLE amount of fear about my own security, in order to make this life transformation happen.

But I wanted to do this because I wanted to be able to work with people who are overcoming their own obstacles and healing from their own trauma stories and overcoming fear and self-limiting belief systems. How could I support people out there in the world to change and transform and to truly heal, if I was not willing or able to overcome the thing that was keeping me stuck in fear of change.

The truth is, I have always wanted to be a healer - that has always been my North Star and my calling. My journey through Tantric Bodywork has been an essential part of my journey of learning how to be a healer, but it is not my final destination. I am excited for the next developmental phase of my life, and to learn more and grow and blossom into the next phase of my self-development. I don’t want to stop growing.

And at the same time, I will always be devoted to wanting to live in a world that is Sex Positive. I am absolutely here for a Sex Positive world. But I don’t think we can live in a sex positive world if we continue to view sex workers with contempt and scorn. I want our civilization to end the collective punishment on sex workers. I will ALWAYS be an ally for sex workers in this world, even after I retire & hang up my hat and my career pivots to the new phase of my work.

I will always speak on behalf of accessible, legalized, healthy, HEALING erotic services that bring life into the world - we need it. I have seen too much benefit in people’s lives to think otherwise. I absolutely believe that our civilization would benefit from safe, accessible, healthy, legalized erotic services - so many clients get so much benefit from it and it improves the lives of so many. Our world would absolutely benefit from a complete fundamental shift on the topic of sex work.

The collective shame wound around sex and sexuality is the thing that has got to be changed, fundamentally. Shame is the most detrimental thing to everyone’s relationship to sex. And I think shame is one of the pillars of the hierarchical system of the patriarchy.

I know that we live in a world where sex workers are demonized, and where sex work is viewed with derision and scorn. I know that all too well. But I want to see our world evolve out of that mentality, the same way I want to see humanity no longer live in a world governed by corrupt psychopaths. Maybe they are interconnected.

Thank you again for all of the amazing experiences, all of the magical, electrifying interactions, and all of the insightful memories that I will carry with me.

Reach out to me if you have questions - if you want to know more about my explicitly non-sexual healing work. Or if you need a referral for someone who is an erotic provider. I’ll always be here.