Sex Life Post-Menopause

These days, it seems like 25% of my clients are coming in and talking about how menopause has completely ended their sex life with their wife.

This message goes out to all of the women out there, who are in long term relationships and/or are married to men…

There are so many things that I wish I could convey to you, or express to you, after having conversations with literally thousands of men. I have witnessed so many consistent patterns in my work, of providing tantric bodywork to men - that I truly wish I could sit down and have conversations with all of the women out there, on the other side of all of these relationships.

One of the biggest reoccurring themes that I have seen from countless conversations with my clients is…. Menopause has been devastating for people’s long term relationships and marriages.

These days, it seems like 25% of my clients are coming in and talking about how menopause has completely ended their sex life with their wife.

What I’ve heard reported to me from my clients is that menopause hits, and their wife basically said “Sex is Over. I’m Done. No more sex. Go fuck yourself.”

Now, I’m genuinely curious if this is a phase, and if men who have been married for 20+ years wait it out, if maybe after the dust has settled and their wives bodies have rebalanced to a new hormonal homeostasis after the initial menopause adjustment, if maybe eventually their wives will come around and be open to sex again… I just don’t know.

But to all of the women out there who are saying to their husbands that their sex life is just over and get over it, and using menopause as an excuse - I have to tell you that you are damaging your relationship. Some of you are causing irreparable damage to your relationship. You’re throwing your relationship under the bus. You’re throwing your partner under the bus. And whether or not you realize it, you are sabotaging the security of your relationship. And if you value the security of your relationship, you will need to address this concern.

What I hear from men all the time in these situations, is that they are DYING INSIDE. If your husband who you have been married to for 15, 20, 25, 30+ years is dying inside and sexually repressed, and you are refusing to maintain the sex life of your marriage, then you are unwittingly threatening the relationship. You are throwing the relationship under the bus.

It breaks my heart how common this is.

It seems that a lot of women hit menopause and decide that their bodies have changed hormonally and therefore they don’t owe their husbands sex anymore, because of vaginal dryness, because it hurts, because of physical pain, or because women have become insecure about their bodies… And all of these symptoms are issues that can be worked on! These are solvable problems. Menopause doesn’t have to equate to the death of your body and the end of sexual pleasure.

Menopause should not be used as an excuse to reject & distance yourself from your partner. And contrary to popular opinion, a man’s sex drive does not just vanish if you decide to refuse to have sex.

Men’s sexual virility and desire for sex and sexual pleasure never goes away. Guaranteed, there is never gonna be a day when a man’s dick falls off and loses interest in experiencing sexual pleasure with his partner. Men don’t lose interest in sex in their 50s, in their 60s or in their 70s… Men don’t even stop wanting to have sex when they’re in their 80s.

So if you’re married to a man whose dick isn’t falling off, and their sex drive & desire for pleasure hasn’t vanished, and you are refusing to maintain a healthy sex life with your partner, you are threatening the relationship. And you need to really sit with that.

I want to see your relationship thrive post-menopause. I had a conversation with a lady several years ago who divorced her husband right around the time she hit menopause, and then went on a dating spree and actually began to fully explore her sexuality when she was in her mid 50s. By the time she hit 60, she was having the best sex of her entire life. Talking with her made me realize that it is absolutely possible that you can have the best sex of your life AFTER menopause. Because you aren’t afraid of getting pregnant anymore, and you know your body better than ever before.

I think for women, what really helps is taking care of your body by working out and using HRT, and doing self-care practices like self-massage, and using oil based lubricants like coconut oil, cacao butter, shea butter, beef tallow and organic body butter to increase lubrication and decrease vaginal dryness.

Please look into Booda Butter & Cacao Butter vaginal suppositories - these are natural products that actually work and make the vagina more supple:

Over the counter lubricants damage a woman’s internal PH and make them dried out, which is why I absolutely do not recommend water based or petrochemical based lubricants. Yes - women need lubrication, but use oil based lubricants like coconut oil or body butter. The vagina is skin, and skin responds best to oil, not toxic chemicals.

I truly want to see people’s relationships stay connected, even after going through profound hormonal transformations. I believe that it’s possible that healing and flourishing for people’s relationships can happen, post-menopause. People’s desire for sexual pleasure never ends, not even when they’re in their 70s or 80s. And I believe that it’s possible to still experience amazing orgasmic sex when we are elderly.

I would LOVE to hear people’s stories and feedback if your relationship has bounced back, even after going through a rough patch after going through menopause.

So my invitation to you is to stop using menopause as an excuse to reject your partner, and I would ask you to consider what else is going on inside me emotionally that is making me shut down or distance myself from my partner. Is our relationship worth it, to invest the effort to overcome resentment and hurt feelings? Why am I unconsciously sabotaging our relationship, and using my body as an excuse.

At the end of the day, I believe in healing. And I want healing for all of us - in all of our relationships. Yes, we may carry resentment and hurt feelings with us. And yes, our bodies become more fragile and vulnerable as we age, but that doesn’t mean that our desire for love, connection, physical closeness and experiencing pleasure should just vanish.

I want you to stay together! I want you to work it out and overcome these obstacles, because YOU CAN!! I believe in healing and I believe in love.