The Underrated Necessity of Oxytocin Bonding

Maintaining a sensual, non-sexual physical touch connection with your partner through non-sexual physical affection - like cuddling - is so essential, despite being underrated...

As many of my clients know, I have long preferred to begin sessions with Cuddling first, before beginning the bodywork treatment. This has been a highly intentional component of my practice for a number of years now, and I have a lot of reasons why I believe that Cuddling has been an extremely essential aspect of my practice and also why it should be considered necessary for folks in committed relationships.

One of the main thoughts that I have been contemplating over the last few years, in response to conversations with folks who have been frustrated at the lack of physical intimacy in their relationships is this idea that Sex is an altered state of consciousness.

And to be even MORE specific, Orgasm is an altered state of consciousness. Orgasm is the most natural, endogenous form of an altered state of consciousness that we humans with a human body have access to. We don’t need any drugs or substances to access this altered state; our bodies naturally produce the hormones and neurotransmitters necessary to access this altered state of consciousness.

The problem is when we don’t understand how to access this naturally occurring endogenous altered state of consciousness, or we have walls and blocks and filters up that create obstacles to our receptivity to this naturally occurring altered state. And that becomes even more of a problem when we don’t know how to consciously shift our awareness from one state of consciousness to another. Which is why we frequently rely on things like alcohol and drugs, in order to remove our filters and our self-inhibition mechanisms, in order to access these altered states.

But the idea I’ve had for a while is that, knowing how to shift your consciousness from Day to Day focus and being in Go mode and Work & Focused Attention mode to then making the shift into relaxed receptivity, pleasure and connection mode is actually not that hard - but IT IS A SKILL. It’s a skill that can and should be cultivated and practiced, because it’s one of the essential keys for deepening connection within bonded intimate relationships.

I think what happens is that a lot of people make the mistake of going straight from Day to Day GO MODE and Work & Focused Attention mode and then go straight into having a sexual experience while still in that mode… I think what happens is that because our GO MODE requires so much cortisol, adrenaline and stress to be flooded into our system in order to function in our day to day - we then can’t easily make the shift into pleasure and receptivity and deep connection when we try to have a sexual experience with our partner. Our body’s neurotransmitter systems are just too wired to make the switch, and one or both partners ends up uncomfortable or disconnected or hypervigilant or stuck in their heads. Which probably leads to one or both partners in some kind of people pleasing or fawning response, but ultimately not really connecting.

I think this can be remedied by cultivating the oxytocin bonding connection in a relationship.

I truly believe that stress is the primary culprit of distancing physical intimacy in a relationship - and relaxation and non-sexual physical affection is the way to restore physical intimacy in a relationship.

Which is why I believe so strongly in the importance of cuddling. In fact, I tend to believe that having a cuddling connection in a relationship is more important than how often you are having sex or how amazing the sex is. Because cuddling is where two people experience co-regulation through oxytocin bonding. Cuddling doesn’t have to be sexual - it doesn’t have to escalate to anything sexual. Or it could! Cuddling could be the doorway to going deeper into lovemaking. But whether or not cuddling is non-sexual or escalates to sex doesn’t matter, because cuddling is this language of physical affection that keeps two people sensually connected through feeling safe and relaxed being close with each other’s bodies.

Additionally, cuddling elicits the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which puts our body into the most natural altered state of consciousness - which is the sensation of melting into a puddle of bliss as two bodies merge into each other.

Which again is why maintaining a sensual, non-sexual physical touch connection with your partner through non-sexual physical affection - like cuddling - is so essential, despite being underrated. Because it is the bridge to maintaining a deeper level of connection with your partner, and opens your body to be primed and ready for the deeper endogenous altered state of consciousness - orgasm.

Oxytocin also is the antidote to cortisol and adrenaline, and down regulates you into the state where stress dissolves and your fight or flight, disconnected state begins to melt and you allow yourself to be ready to receive pleasure and connection with your partner.